she looked like the before picture.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize