when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
