My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
