i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
FUCK WHALES
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
