I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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