awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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