maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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