So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
