I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
