I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
