Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Are we still banned from the library?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
