she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My ATM looks so different sober.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
