I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
