Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Did I show you my penis last night?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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