He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
