So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
where am i from again
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
