This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
