mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So many bounce houses so little time
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
