Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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