So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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