I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
