remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
