DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
