When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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