last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
