I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
