Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
