Your mouth is God's brothel.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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