did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
How's work?
Spinning.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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