hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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