new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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