My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
