Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
