i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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