I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
