so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
