I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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