My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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