I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
