: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
