I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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