Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
