i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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