So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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