watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
