Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
soo... how was my night?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
