Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Michael Bay diarrhea
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
