Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
