Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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