lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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