you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
