did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
