She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
