This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
