How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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