I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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