dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
