One girl and one boy is just not enough.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
