I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
