i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
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