she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
